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The Plastic Hippo

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Standard job description 

18 Mar 17

The owner of London`s biggest and best free sheet, cat litter and fish and chip wrapper is looking to recruit a dynamic yet compliant editor to take the flagship toxic rag forward during the inevitable disintegration of Europe and the rise of a new …


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Get in the sea 

15 Mar 17

It has only been three of four days but it seems that the sea swimmers of Clevedon featured on the BBC News ident have finally taken off their bathing caps and thrown in the proverbial beach towel…


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The End of Days 

8 Mar 17

With not enough hours in the day to find or even keep up with real news and every day of the week bringing blizzards of falsehoods and distractions, thank goodness there are designated days, weeks, months and years of commemoration to keep us …


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Lost in translation 

4 Mar 17

In a world of alternative facts and fake news being accepted as truth, it is little wonder that blatant plagiarism is ignored and rather than offering any effort at reasoned arguments, insults, rumour and downright lies have become the double-…


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From Russia with Love 

1 Mar 17

It is a little known but irrefutable alternative fact that secret medical experiments attempting to reverse death developed during the Cold War in the then Soviet Union are continuing under the democratically elected government of the free, fair and …


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Imagine 

27 Feb 17

Imagine that after defying all the odds and confounding both critics and supporters alike, you wake up to find that you have guided Leicester City to unexpected and ultimate success as Champions of the Premier League…


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Who ate all the pies? 

22 Feb 17

When the manufactured scandal has blown over and the dust has settled, the name of Sutton United`s reserve goalkeeper will return mercifully to deserved obscurity in about the same time as it takes to invent another scandal for the back pages of …


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Corby 

21 Feb 17

To: Gaz
From: Baz
2 hours ago
Message: This has come straight from Rupert…


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Fake news 

19 Feb 17

Dateline: Saturday 18th August 2017 Newly elected British Prime Minister Keir Starmer has caused further controversy just two days into office by signing a series of executive orders distancing the United Kingdom from formal agreements made by his …


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Combustion in the trouser department 

16 Feb 17

In primary classrooms, Sunday schools, Madrassas, Gurdwaras, Synagogues, Temples and nurseries across the planet the message is simple; if you tell a lie you will always be found out…


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Street crime 

3 Feb 17

The trauma, anxiety and adverse effects caused by street crime, particularly robbery, is dependent upon the psychological resilience and the physical and emotional health of the victim…


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Roll over…play dead 

31 Jan 17

The darkest hour is not necessarily just before the dawn and it is possible to be surrounded by stygian gloom even in broad daylight.


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Executive disorders 

28 Jan 17

It might just be possible to take in the deluge of effluent pouring out of the White House during the first week of Trump`s presidency with open-mouthed incredulity…


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Maggie May 

24 Jan 17

Any comparison between British Prime Ministers must surely be based on integrity, competence and policy outcomes and not on gender or the presence of a womb…


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Constant sorrow 

20 Jan 17

In an infinite, expanding and increasingly bizarre universe where strangeness and what once passed for normality have become blurred, the prospect of George Clooney forming a ZZ Top tribute band to perform at the inauguration of a racist con man as …


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Picking cherries 

18 Jan 17

Thank heavens, thank goodness, thank all our lucky stars and thank you sweet baby Jesus for giving us at long last some clarity and a time scale as to how the British government is systematically taking leave of its senses…


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Asteroid 

16 Jan 17

After a journey of trillions of miles taking thousands of light years, on Saturday 15th January 2017 an object about the size of a sofa originating in the Kuiper belt far beyond the orbit of the planet Neptune approached Earth at great speed…


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Risotto 

14 Jan 17

If the weakness of the old is a stubborn and irrational reluctance to accept a shift in circumstance, then surly the strength of the young must be the wilful, recalcitrant ability to undergo a change of mind…


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Go compare 

12 Jan 17

Unless you are considering a purchase of, say, car insurance, an aubergine, a refrigerator, a holiday or a selection of racy under garments, arbitrary comparison can sometimes be futile…


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M*A*S*H 

10 Jan 17

The family and sycophants of an 85 year old newlywed have expressed their disappointment after medical tests have confirmed that the vindictive media tycoon continues to enjoy the rudest of health…


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Tess of the Uber Viles 

8 Jan 17

If ghosts actually exist and if they do exist are capable of exhaling, then the ghost of Frederick North, second Earl of Guilford and Tory Prime Minister between 1770 and 1782 will be expelling an enormous sigh of relief at the moment…


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Mob rule 

6 Jan 17

There can be no finer example of British values than the deranged irrationality of an ill-informed angry mob in full hue and cry.


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Investment opportunity 

4 Jan 17

For people with a large sum of disposable income, I have a cast-iron, copper-bottomed, gold-plated investment opportunity guaranteed to return vast amounts of money for very little effort all that is needed is initial start-up capital to provide …


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Annus horribilis 

30 Dec 16

There are and will be many eloquent eulogies, obituaries and retrospectives of those who breathed their last during 2016 and although some might find the deification of dead celebrities somewhat mawkish, this years` harvest of notable souls has been …


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Carrot and Ginger Soup 

24 Dec 16

The children are finally home, the shopping has been done and the drawbridge lifted in the hope of keeping the hatred out for a couple of days…


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Oh God 

22 Dec 16

In this season of peace on earth and goodwill to all men, we should give pause and reflect upon the astounding success of Nigel Farage…


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Ministry of Magic 

18 Dec 16

Of all the government departments labouring away in the dark recesses of Whitehall, none is more expert at artifice, trickery and prestidigitation than the secretive Ministry of Magic…


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It`s Christmas 

16 Dec 16

How indescribably lucky we are as a nation to be under the stewardship of such a kind, caring and thoroughly generous government…


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Rogue One 

14 Dec 16

When something outrageous or provocative is broadcast on television or radio, there is a simple solution that could avoid a dangerous increase in blood pressure, impotent fury and a desire to hit the domestic appliance with an unusually heavy object.


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The normalisation of Donald Trump 

12 Dec 16

In the growing cacophony generated by whole hosts of gloating winners and regiments of whining losers, the much abused English language has taken a bit of a battering of late.


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Throne of Games 

10 Dec 16

The sound quality was appalling, the camera angles limited and the best way to describe the vision mixing would be clumsy to say the very least but the Supreme Court`s live streaming of the government`s appeal against a High Court ruling regarding …


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Splat the rat 

8 Dec 16

It is with considerable joy and with a palpable sense of relief that the timely demise of Nigel the Rat can be announced to an indifferent public…


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Above the law 

6 Dec 16

It is becoming depressingly clear that sections of the UK media and swathes of the UK public have a remarkably thin grasp of how the law works so here is a word of advice to those attempting to undermine the credibility and national loyalty of senior…


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Zacked 

4 Dec 16

There is something irresistibly delicious in witnessing a pompous, privileged, and ultimately pathological politician unceremoniously dumped by a savvy electorate…


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Eschatology 

29 Nov 16

In terms of religious superstition, when Donald Trump talks of millions of illegal votes, Theresa May states that she is governed by her faith in Almighty God and Nigel Farage, without any sense of irony, claims that he is fear for his life, then it …


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Home run 

27 Nov 16

The chances of Fidel Castro living to the ripe old age of 90 seemed rather slim given that the most powerful nation on earth has devoted considerable energy, resources and the best part of 60 years attempting to secure his removal and death…


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Pride, prejudice and more prejudice 

25 Nov 16

It is a truth universally acknowledged, that an MP in possession of a cabinet portfolio, must be in want of the ability to say anything even remotely resembling the truth.


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Our man in Diego Garcia 

23 Nov 16

In a surprise move announced by the Foreign Office, former leader of UKIP and renown international diplomat Sir Nigel Farage, PhD, OBE, VC and bar, has been appointed as the next Commissioner of the British Indian Ocean Territory of the Chagos …


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Siren`s song 

21 Nov 16

There are two golden rules that any politician blessed with wisdom and integrity should adhere to; in victory, avoid arrogant gloating and in defeat, never ever describe the electorate as being stupid…


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Hypocrites in Need 

19 Nov 16

Child poverty has been officially eradicated within the United Kingdom thanks to a caring government that increased the numbers of children in need and then ignored them until they went away…


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Hovadina 

17 Nov 16

It would seem that our newly appointed Foreign Secretary equates European trade and unity, international détente, the globalised market and the free movement of people with the sale of Italian prosecco…


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Rat in mi kitchen 

15 Nov 16

Just when I thought that things could not possibly become any more horrific, problematic or deeply depressing, a rat has apparently taken up residence in the family home…


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In Flanders Fields 

11 Nov 16

On another Armistice Day and with another sorry line of politicians trying desperately to look earnest as they lay poppy wreaths at the cenotaph, the passage of time means that there are no surviving veterans of the Great War and increasingly fewer …


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E Pluribus Unum 

9 Nov 16

The voting places are beginning to close and in the next few hours the 45th President of the United States will be democratically elected…


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Nine angry men 

7 Nov 16

On the surface, it would seem to be highly unlikely that the small group of newspaper proprietors and editors currently screaming with incandescent rage in the general direction of the judiciary would take comfort from scripture found in the Bible…


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New Model Army 

5 Nov 16

November 5th 2017 – Sporadic fighting continues as skirmishes between rival factions in the English Civil War Part Two bring national misery and international derision…


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Once bitten 

3 Nov 16

It is a source of constant delight and unexpected entertainment that a news agenda varying between the absurd and the terrifying should provide a story that requires no less than Michael Heseltine to vehemently deny that he killed his mother`s pet …


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Joint enterprise 

1 Nov 16

Image via Press Association Some rather momentous things went on in 1984 and, unless he was exerting influence from beyond the grave, none of the drama had anything to do with …


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The truth is out there 

30 Oct 16

We all love a good conspiracy theory no matter how far-fetched or unlikely the juicy confection might be; so when the reputation and character of the Democrat US presidential candidate offers a buy one get one free deal on the legality of Hillary …


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Happy days are here again 

28 Oct 16

Speaking as the manufacturer of bespoke Halloween costumes and other specialist items of leisure wear for the discerning lady and gentleman, if it`s good enough for Nissan then it`s good enough for me…







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